I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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