listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
