i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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