Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
