WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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