M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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