im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
