bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
