I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
