god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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