there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
