the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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