My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
