We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
