Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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