I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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