I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I am midnight drunk by noon
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
