sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
