I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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