Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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