i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
