I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
