Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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