I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
