I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what is it with giant penises always finding me
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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