And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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