I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?