I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
