Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.