I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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