My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
