oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
