Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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