Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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