Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
