take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
