She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
