the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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