Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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