he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
