he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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