I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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