he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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