i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
