she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
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Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
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just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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