Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
