I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
