dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
