I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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