I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
