At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
