why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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