Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she peed on how many people?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
