Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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