Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
