my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
