Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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