If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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